


Left Again

by Dancingqueen17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 13:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18739603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancingqueen17/pseuds/Dancingqueen17
Summary: Sirius becomes restless after Azkaban. He sees no reason to live. So he decides not to.





	Left Again

The wand felt heavy in his hand. He knew he couldn't do it. Even if he wanted too. He slowly lowered his arm. The wand still pointed at its target

Remus had been wandering the streets in muggle London when he saw it. A large black dog sitting in an alleyway. He knew that dog. He knew that dog too well. After yelling at the dog to shift and driving himself just short of losing his mind, the dog shifted. The dog shifted into none other than Sirius Black. Or what was left of him at least.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now." Remus asked. His voice was shaky.

" I didnt do it. Fuck Remus, I didnt do it." Sirius pleaded. 

He looked horrible. The spark his gray eyes once held was gone. The lean figure he once had had faded. His ribs were visible behind his tattered shirt. His hair had grown almost to his waist and was a tangled mess. I guess twelve years of Azkaban can do that to you.

"Remus, I didnt do it. I have proof and facts. Just let me explain. Please Moony." That voice didnt sound like Sirius. That voice sounded broken. It sounded desperate.

Sirius was a lot of things, but he wasnt a liar. Remus put his wand away and grabbed his hand. It was so cold. Remus noticed Sirius still had his wedding ring on. Remus did too. Remus apparated them from the dark alley back to his flat. Sirius looked around the small flat. A whole wall was covered in book shelves and the couches were made of brown leather. It gave off a homely vibe. Sirius liked it.

"I didn't bring you here for a tour Black. State your information, then I'll decide what to do with you." Remus said sharply.

Sirius sighed and told his story. He told how he wasn't even the secret keeper to begin with and how Peter was. He told about the battle and Peter's lost toe. He told about Peter's background with the Dark Lord. Then he told how he found his best friend and his wife splayed out on the ground before him. How Dumbledore found and accused him. How he was sentenced to life in Azkaban. How he's been treated like shit for years. How he just wanted his old life back.

By the end of his story he was crying. Remus didnt comfort him. He stood there and watched.

"I believe you Black, now let's see if the ministry does." Remus said coldly before directing him to the bathroom for a long overdue shower.

Sirius stood under the harsh spray of water and thought about his life. His best mate was dead. His husband hated him. His brother is dead. He was better of at Azkaban, at least there he didnt have to put up with the scrutinizing looks Remus sent his way. He had to clear his name.

_________________________________

It had been weeks, maybe months since Remus had allowed Sirius to move in with him. He was starting to lose track of time. The Ministry had cleared him of all charges and gave him compensation. Like any amount of money could repair the damage of twelve years in Azkaban. The sound of a plate slamming down snapped his out of his thoughts. Sirius looked up to see a full plate of eggs and bacon in front of him.

"It looks great, but I'm not hungry Moon.... uh Remus." Sirius said pushing the plate away. Remus had become more distant in the past few weeks. He still called him Black and never looked him in the eye. But he always kept the ring on. The thought of their wedding seemed like ages ago. The memory was blurry in Sirius's mind.

"You need to eat Black. " Remus said not looking up from his book.

Remus hadn't looked at Sirius since that day in the alley. Sirius hated it. He was still being treated like a criminal. Like he was worthless.

"I said eat. You're too thin Black." Sirius was getting really tired of that name.

"Not until you look me in the eye and tell me what I did wrong. We are married for Merlin's sake. I did nothing wrong and yet you treat me like shit." Sirius huffed.

Remus looked him in the eye. "If you had fucking been the secret keeper like James planned he would still be alive." Remus was fuming now.

"Harry wouldn't have to stay with those bloody muggles if you had just kept your mouth shut you fucking idiot." 

Sirius had never thought about it that way. He had been the one to tell James to make the switch. If he had just kept quite they would still be alive.

"And that's why I treat you like shit. Yes I did love you but not right now." Remus spat before slamming his book closed and storming off. 

Sirius need fresh air. Remus didnt love him. Did he ever love him. Nobody loved him now. The thought stung Sirius. No one loved him now. Sirius didnt know what he was thinking. Coming back here in hopes that everything would be alright. It was stupid of him to think that it ever could be. Sirius quickly pulled on the jacket Remus had bought him and left. He couldn't come back after that. 

Sirius wondered the streets, looking for a place to stay for the night with the little money he had. Sirius pretended not to see them. But he did. The glares. They came from everyone. No matter what the Ministry said he was still guilty. He would always be guilty.

Sirius found himself on a cliff. One over a still lake. He didnt remember how exactly he got there. He didnt remember a lot these days. He was tired. So fucking tired. He was always the bad guy. He, of course, was a Black. He could never be anything but the bad guy. He thought about Remus and James. Lily and Regulus. Dumbledore and his Parents. And everyone else he let down.

He thought about Harry and his muggle caregivers. It was his fault he would grow up without parents. He deserved to pay. So he jumped. He didnt think about it. Hell, he didnt know he did it till he was plummeting towards the water. He let one final apology pass through his lips.

"I'm sorry James."


End file.
